Decadent Cupcake Alien Visitation Theory

What’s the U.S. government really hiding from us? Or are even they in the dark about the aliens coming for our cupcakes?

A couple years ago I was hanging out with my friend Devon in Oakland. It was a beautiful day and we were in a park drinking cappuccinos. Not that it’s material to the story, but Devon might have been a little high. In any case, we were talking about aliens. And he had a theory.

It went like this:

Lots of people speculate that aliens started making appearances on Earth when we developed nuclear weapons. Suddenly we were worth paying attention to. Plausible. But no, that’s not right. Not quite.

In reality, aliens started visiting Earth at least a hundred years earlier—right around the time we started perfecting our fancy pastry-making technologies. The fact is, nowhere else in the known universe is there a species that has dedicated so much time, energy, and creative genius into combining the fundamental elements of sugar, butter, and white flour. I know, it comes as a shock to me, too, to think about it, but it’s true: Literally nowhere else in the universe can you find donuts, cookies, cinnamon rolls, brownies, almond croissants, eclairs, cupcakes and…and… So much more. All on the same planet.

Now it makes a little more sense, doesn’t it, why aliens love to visit us so much? Forget the atom bomb. We’ve got cupcakes with sprinkles!

We are a decadent species. We try to deny it. We try to guilt-trip ourselves out of our decadence by associating the very word “decadence” with civilizational collapse. But at the end of the day, it quite possibly is our best quality.

Just ask the aliens.