Sex Machines Spelling Armageddon

In the early 2000s, I remember watching some random comedian on TV perform a bit about the craziness of technology. At the time, the internet still seemed relatively new. Commentators were just starting to come to grips with how profoundly it was transforming society. This landscape was a goldmine for comedians.

Speaking in front of a live audience, the comedian was talking about the ability to access the internet on his laptop. “It’s wild. It’s the craziest thing,” he said. “To think that I masturbate with the same machine I use to teach my kids the ABCs.”

The audience cracked up.

Fast-forward 20 years. People are still using their laptops to masturbate and as well as for educational purposes. And there’s still something funny about that. If anything, it’s only gotten more absurd, in that the stakes have gotten higher.

Consider that same comedic bit from the perspective of a hacker. “To think I masturbate with the same machine I use to hack military secrets.”

Or a bioterrorist, who masturbates with the same machine he uses to help research lethal viruses.

Or the owner of a bot farm, who masturbates with the same machine he uses to sow social unrest and disrupt democracies.

The way technology has infiltrated our lives, it’s inevitable that, from here on out, our fancy computer-magic-machines will be used simultaneously to fulfill our sexual fantasies as well as our own death wishes.

Right now, we have the Tesla Bot being developed at the same time as Disney’s cartoon-like robot, the Marines’ rocket-launcher dog robot, and an entire industry of AI girlfriends and sex dolls.

When the Armageddon machine gets built, no doubt right before it gets deployed, someone fucks it.