When Sloppy Drunk Rave Jesus Returns
Happy New Year to everyone eagerly awaiting the glorious return of RAVE JESUS
On New Year’s Day, I was sitting in a coffeeshop when a middle-aged couple walked in—loudly. “Happy New Year!” the man proclaimed to no one in particular. He proceeded to help his female companion with her assortment of bags. When he shuffled off to order coffee, the woman then stepped into the spotlight.
“Happy New Year everyone!” she yelled. “These are very exciting times! This is the year the world is destroyed and Jesus comes back! At least that’s what I think!”
She muttered a few other words about Jesus and then hurried over to join her friend. This was my cue to beat it. Something in the woman’s words struck me to the core, and I knew I had to rush home to get my affairs in order for the return of the Messiah.
Kidding.
I fled the coffeeshop because in situations like that you have to flee. Otherwise you’re bound to end up wasting precious moments of your life engaging with utter loons. Because of course people like that will insist on engaging with you. And while I’m all about encouraging IRL human interactions, there’s absolutely nothing even remotely interesting that semi-delusional Jesus-freak people have to say. Literally nothing.
The Jesus-freak thing is over. The Bible’s popular stories have become clichés, Christianity has become synonymous with bad music and hypocritical pastors, and Jesus himself has become cringe. Where once there was esotericism, literature, and spiritual profundity, there is now an orange-faced conman leading a pack of end-of-the-world lunatics and sycophants.
Short of Jesus actually returning, there’s only one thing that can keep Christianity culturally relevant in the future. The basic storyline needs to be changed so that it starts appealing to the culture-makers: the artists, the creatives, the urbanites.
Here’s an idea. Tear out the Book of Revelation and insert this new story in its place:
One day up in heaven, Jesus gets bored waiting for permission from God the Father to return to Earth in all his glory. So he gets in a fight and proclaims, “I renounce you, Dad!” And the Father says, “Come on, be reasonable, Son.” And Jesus says, “No, you be reasonable,” and storms out of heaven.
He then sashays down to Earth. To California. But this time there’s no sanctimony. No “love thy neighbor” crap. It’s just endless partying. Every time there’s a killer house party or rave, Jesus shows up and casts a spell on everyone there, turning them into crazed, life-loving sex fiends. Everyone rips off their clothes and starts having wild sex with each other. “Crank up the music!” “More wine, more wine!” “Jesus is in the house!”
But all this partying isn’t just for the hell of it. It’s purposeful: to fight against the impending population collapse. Jesus’s new message: Procreate to save humanity from low birth rates and ultimate extinction!
And…it works! Suddenly the artists and overly-educated urbanites start having more babies than ever thought possible. The demographers are utterly flabbergasted. All the projections of population decline have to be reconfigured. A decade goes by and the phrase “stupid people are breeding” has been totally lost in time. Now it’s the smug urbanites who not only direct all the major cultural trends, they also make all the babies! While the rural prudes—who want nothing to do with this new remake of Jesus they keep hearing about—virtually abandon having sex altogether. Sex—especially wild sex—is now far too Christian!
From then on, Jesus can float in and out as he pleases. His mark has been made. His work is done. Every time an off-the-hook party is held, his presence is felt. And every year, to mark the day of his return, Rave Jesus Day is held in his honor. By 2033, it’s a much more significant holiday than Christmas.
And on News Years Day 2034, when I’m sitting in a coffeeshop enjoying a cappuccino and that same lady from way back in 2024 wanders in with her message of doom and destruction, we will all rise up. “Wake up, lady!” we’ll yell together, our throngs of babies screaming around us like a demented Greek chorus. “Where have you been? Jesus has already returned! He’s here. He’s here in this coffeeshop! Just turn the music up!”